...is equal to the love you make." Paul McCartney added that philosophical couplet to the to the of "The End". And it can take a lifetime's worth of lessons to feel the truth of that.
It becomes the theme of this post because, as I was watching Rebel Without A Cause a few days ago, it reminded me of that song. There is a scene inside the mansion, where Judy and Jim are hanging out upstairs, and says, with reverence, "I love somebody. All the time I've been... I've been looking for someone
to love me. And now I love somebody. And it's so easy. Why is it easy
now". I think it was easy for her, and for Jim, because they were open to it, and because, in the course of a day, their world view had totally shifted.
Here's the thing though: at the heart of them, Rebel Without a Cause, The Wizard of Oz, and Field of Dreams are all about that very same idea. Finding your capacity for greatness within yourself and not waiting for it to knock on your door, or show up on a yellow-brick road, or in a cornfield.
There is a moment, I think, that when the universe delivers the person who will become THE Person, there is a moment where you realize that who you have found may not have been who you thought you were looking for. And in that moment of realization, you have two choices. You can be surprised, and caught off guard and just go with it, or you can fight it. And if you have the guts to say "that is my Person, and I have no idea why, but everything that is happening feels absolutely like what I am supposed to be doing" then you will be rewarded with a great relationship, a great love and overall greatness. Your friends may say, "Why are you building that baseball field in your corn?", but you do it because you are compelled, because you have to do it. If you didn't do it, you might as well not do anything. That is what love was like, is like for me. That is what loving my husband is like. It was the universe smacking me on the back of the head and saying "See that guy? That's him." And it was, it is. It was totally uncharted territory for me. I had thought I had known love, but it was like the difference between seeing a Keanu Reeves version of Citizen Kane, and thinking it was okay, and then seeing Welles in 70mm. Earth-shattering and mind-blowing.
In The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy has the power, has always had the power, and just didn't know it. In Rebel, Judy and Jim realize that their capacity to love is more, so much more important, than how much they are loved by others. It is your capacity to love that makes you feel alive. Not the anger, the frustration, any of that. It is all in your capacity to love.
In Field of Dreams when Ray's dad shows up at the end, he says "Oh, God, it was you." Thinking that he had built this field so that his emotionally distant father would come so that they could reconnect. And Shoeless Joe Jackson turns to Ray, from way out there in deep center field, and says, "No, Ray. It was you." The best thing ever. That even though no one would ever think they were building a baseball field to heal themselves, that's what it was really for. It was Ray's immense capacity for love of his father, his family, and of the game, that made the ghosts happen. "If you build it, he will come." And I love Field of Dreams. It's a transcendent film, and people throw it away, but I unapologetically love it.
So if you are looking for anything out there (love, inspiration, genius, soul), you have to, have to look inside yourself. It's all in there: ruby slippers, a baseball field, a rebel without a cause. All of it is inside you. All of it. Everyday. The capacity to love, to be great, to be rebellious, to be powerful, life-changing, earth-shattering, mind-blowing.
So, after all of that, I would like to thank my husband. For helping me understand my capacity and ability to love. We have been married for 16 years now, and I am still sometimes so overwhelmed with love for him that I cry. There are songs I could hear a thousand times, and I would cry every time, because I love him so much. So thank you, Mr. B., and happy anniversary.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Don't say there's nothing to do in the doldrums
The doldrums are something that happen in the middle of the ocean, these huge areas of stillness way out there in the middle. No wind, no waves, and lots of waiting.
Once you're stuck out there, the only thing to do is sleep and clean the ship. Because you are up against nature, the only thing to do is drift for a while. It can make you a little crazy; all that stillness and waiting. Waiting for a giant and powerful force to help you move.
My ship is clean, I am well-rested, and ready to get moving, but this ocean I am sailing on is dead calm right now. I am ready for some major wind to get me going.
I was talking to Cece the other day, and lamenting this stillness, and was laughing because this is such a 'white person' problem (in the sense of somtimes well-off, entitled folk complaining about anything) and she said, "Just because it's a white person problem doesn't mean it's not a problem." My girl.
I know that there are people all over the world who have real things to complain about. Poverty, hunger, lack of clean water and sanitation. And all of these issues trump mine, no doubt, but that doesn't mean that what's happening on this calm sea doesn't matter, or doesn't affect me. And if this is all I have to lament, I consider myself to be exceptionally lucky. I have a loving husband, wonderful kids, great family all around. Sometimes, though, I feel far from the land. I am not alone, not even close to alone, but sometimes feel very solitary.
There are small, teasing indications that wind is on the way, but every time I get my hatches battened down, nothing happens. Maybe it just means that when it actually comes, I will be super-prepared. I am so ready to sail.
I am trying to find inspiration, which I think is like trying to find Narnia: you can't find it if you're looking for it. So in the meantime, I will clean the ship, get some sleep, and wait for the winds to come.
Once you're stuck out there, the only thing to do is sleep and clean the ship. Because you are up against nature, the only thing to do is drift for a while. It can make you a little crazy; all that stillness and waiting. Waiting for a giant and powerful force to help you move.
My ship is clean, I am well-rested, and ready to get moving, but this ocean I am sailing on is dead calm right now. I am ready for some major wind to get me going.
I was talking to Cece the other day, and lamenting this stillness, and was laughing because this is such a 'white person' problem (in the sense of somtimes well-off, entitled folk complaining about anything) and she said, "Just because it's a white person problem doesn't mean it's not a problem." My girl.
I know that there are people all over the world who have real things to complain about. Poverty, hunger, lack of clean water and sanitation. And all of these issues trump mine, no doubt, but that doesn't mean that what's happening on this calm sea doesn't matter, or doesn't affect me. And if this is all I have to lament, I consider myself to be exceptionally lucky. I have a loving husband, wonderful kids, great family all around. Sometimes, though, I feel far from the land. I am not alone, not even close to alone, but sometimes feel very solitary.
There are small, teasing indications that wind is on the way, but every time I get my hatches battened down, nothing happens. Maybe it just means that when it actually comes, I will be super-prepared. I am so ready to sail.
I am trying to find inspiration, which I think is like trying to find Narnia: you can't find it if you're looking for it. So in the meantime, I will clean the ship, get some sleep, and wait for the winds to come.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
The middle of nowhere is about 25 miles from here
I read something today that said, essentially, that you can both lose yourself and find yourself in the middle of nowhere. And somehow I feel that being close to the center of United States counts. Kansas, specifically. It may seem that I am constantly disparaging Kansas, but it's like wearing shoes that don't fit, and having to break them in. Then they fit pretty well for a while. Suddenly, though, the heel is worn unevenly and they get all scuffed, and it's time for a new pair of shoes.
Many people would say, ah, here's a woman talking about shoes again, but it's the first analogy that came to mind. All I want is a new pair of shoes.
So, maybe I am taking some time and finding myself out here. I have certainly come to some good realizations over the past 5 years.
First, anger serves almost no purpose. Usually, the people you're angry at don't care or don't know, so all it is does is make you more angry.
Second, if you thought high-school drama was ridiculous, wait until you are around entitled grown-ups. (As an example, many military wives I know are losing their minds that the commissary prices may go up significantly. I think that's fine, since I would rather that the government supply good insurance and retirement for soldiers. If $1 more for something will insure enough money in the military coffers to take care of current soldiers and veterans, I'd rather have that than cheaper breakfast cereal.)
Third, while I am not responsible for the happiness of other people, I still long to help facilitate it. It's so hard for me not to try valiantly to help someone achieve or acquire something they want. Sometimes, it's just when someone is feeling down. I want to help them not feel that way, and not to feel lonely in their down-ness. I have to make sure, though, not to get to the point where I am working harder for it than they are. That's the trick for me, I think. I don't have a good balance, and think that, if I don't immediately act to help someone in need, they may think that I don't care about them. Theses are often people who I have known for years, and of course they know that I love them, value them, and wish they had happiness and success (by whatever standard that is measured for them). It's not my job to help them, but as a friend or family member, is it in the best interest of the community ("it takes a village") to help them out? I am still sorting this one out...
Fourth, and finally for now, I have learned to start believing that I am enough. Just as I am. And even though there's always room for improvement (both personally and professionally), I am enough. Even when my house is a mess, I have eaten too much, or I am not nice when talking about someone, I am enough. All that does is provide me with clear goals and objectives to clean the damn house, put down the fork, and keep other people's names out of my mouth.
I am force to be reckoned with, just as I am. I am enough, just as I am. I am a weird, driven, cranky, laugh-my-ass-off woman just as I am. I want more happiness for you than you may want for yourself. I certainly want more happiness for myself than you want for me, is how it feels sometimes. But there is no one who is better at stopping me, talking me out of things, and obstructing me as I am. If I were someone else, I would tell me to get out of my way.
Maybe that's what all this is for, psyching myself up and putting things out there so that it's written down somewhere and not just rolling around in my head. Constantly, like a tumbleweed. In Kansas.
Many people would say, ah, here's a woman talking about shoes again, but it's the first analogy that came to mind. All I want is a new pair of shoes.
So, maybe I am taking some time and finding myself out here. I have certainly come to some good realizations over the past 5 years.
First, anger serves almost no purpose. Usually, the people you're angry at don't care or don't know, so all it is does is make you more angry.
Second, if you thought high-school drama was ridiculous, wait until you are around entitled grown-ups. (As an example, many military wives I know are losing their minds that the commissary prices may go up significantly. I think that's fine, since I would rather that the government supply good insurance and retirement for soldiers. If $1 more for something will insure enough money in the military coffers to take care of current soldiers and veterans, I'd rather have that than cheaper breakfast cereal.)
Third, while I am not responsible for the happiness of other people, I still long to help facilitate it. It's so hard for me not to try valiantly to help someone achieve or acquire something they want. Sometimes, it's just when someone is feeling down. I want to help them not feel that way, and not to feel lonely in their down-ness. I have to make sure, though, not to get to the point where I am working harder for it than they are. That's the trick for me, I think. I don't have a good balance, and think that, if I don't immediately act to help someone in need, they may think that I don't care about them. Theses are often people who I have known for years, and of course they know that I love them, value them, and wish they had happiness and success (by whatever standard that is measured for them). It's not my job to help them, but as a friend or family member, is it in the best interest of the community ("it takes a village") to help them out? I am still sorting this one out...
Fourth, and finally for now, I have learned to start believing that I am enough. Just as I am. And even though there's always room for improvement (both personally and professionally), I am enough. Even when my house is a mess, I have eaten too much, or I am not nice when talking about someone, I am enough. All that does is provide me with clear goals and objectives to clean the damn house, put down the fork, and keep other people's names out of my mouth.
I am force to be reckoned with, just as I am. I am enough, just as I am. I am a weird, driven, cranky, laugh-my-ass-off woman just as I am. I want more happiness for you than you may want for yourself. I certainly want more happiness for myself than you want for me, is how it feels sometimes. But there is no one who is better at stopping me, talking me out of things, and obstructing me as I am. If I were someone else, I would tell me to get out of my way.
Maybe that's what all this is for, psyching myself up and putting things out there so that it's written down somewhere and not just rolling around in my head. Constantly, like a tumbleweed. In Kansas.
Friday, March 21, 2014
The common denominator
I am currently living in Kansas and working for a major tax preparing chain for the tax busy season. We've been here almost five years, and while it is a nice place, I am ready to go somewhere that is, um, more bustling. I never expected to be here in Kansas, and never expected to be here for such a long time. The people here, for the most part, are very nice, and seem to like it, but it is not for me. I'd like one metropolis with a side of culture, please.
I am thinking that, due to recent circumstances that have left me lonely, maybe it's time to revisit my seldom-used blog and talk to anyone willing to listen. I am trying to lead of more positive life, and not get caught up in drama, and this may be a good venue for me before people start railing against anything I may write.
I guess the thing is, I really want to be friends with people, but I am at the point where I don't trust hardly any women at all. I trust people that I've know for years (and seldom get to see) and a few women here, who I see one at a time, but I am coming to the conclusion that a group of women is more dangerous than a basket of pit vipers. "Snakes.....Why did it have to be snakes?" Oh, Indy, I know how you feel...
It's always really great when, after some situation where a group of women turns on you, that your remaining friends tell you how awesome you are, and how it was problems that were inherent to other people in the group, but then why does it seem that I am the common denominator?
But there are other ways that I am the common denominator with other people. My brother Sam, who is seriously one of the coolest people I have ever met or had the pleasure to know, attributes a lot of his interests (and some aspects of his personage) to me. I was the one who made him memorize the names of all the Beatles when he was 4, and I was home for Christmas from my first year at college. We watched "A Hard Day's Night", and I made him learn their names (first and last) and what instruments they played. I introduced him to Green Day and Nirvana and Presidents of the United States of America and (paragon of the 80s) Night Ranger. But only 'Sister Christian' of course.
And now, my 15-year old daughter, who is super cool. I made her a Beatles' fan, too, and she loves Green Day and old movies, and rocking out in the car. And she is one of the coolest people, too. And I think that, between the two of them, I am the common denominator. And I don't mean that in an arrogant way. Not one bit. But why do people assume that anyone who takes pride in their own ability or actions or is self-congratulatory is also arrogant? Muhammad Ali said he was 'the Greatest' a long time before he actually WAS 'the Greatest'.
But I will no longer apologize for giving myself credit for things that I have accomplished. So that's that. Maybe more here tomorrow, but maybe more in 4 more years. You never know what shiny thing I may see in the next 72 hours.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Forgive me...It's the love talking...
So a friend of mine has been full-on, no-doubt, smacked in the face by real love. And there's really no other way to describe it, I think...There are older people, people you may know, and you can ask them, 'How did you know that he (or she) was the one?', and the funny thing is that no one who has ever met their own The One needs to ask this question...When it happens, it's the most obvious, blatant thing that has ever happened in your life...Who the person is may come as a total surprise...I used to get pissed when I was looking for The One, and people would say that as soon as I stopped looking, I would find him. And then I really got pissed off because, 3 days after I decided very consciously to stop looking for love, I met The One. 3 damn days. And it took me about 6 weeks to figure out that that's who he was, the real one, The One one. And I will say now that I think looking for love is about as effective as looking for a way into Narnia; you never get there the same way twice, and it's magical, and elusive, so for god's sake stop looking.
So my friend and I have been talking about this a lot lately...I am sort of loving vicariously, simply getting energy off of seeing someone have this sort of thing happening to them...And i told her that it can feel very weird, because all of a sudden, even in 13 days, your life can change forever.
And it can be very hard to explain this to people who have never had it...They tend to look at you like you're drunk, or insane. And you keep saying things like, "Isn't it weird that we both like whatever is is that you both like?" and they can't get it....I told my friend it was almost like trying to explain Mozart to a deaf person...That, in no way, can you fully explain it...They have to be 5th row center at the New York Philharmonic of Love to fully comprehend the power and the nuance and complexity of it...
But when it comes down to it, it's all very simple. When it's real, and you will know it's real, it will hit you like a ton of bricks...And you will put away all the doubt about whether it will work, and start thinking about how it will work...I told her that real love is like making water out of hydrogen and oxygen...That once they are put together, that's it, it's water....And a lot of crazy shit can happen to water: rapids, freezing, pollution, whatever. But after all is said and done, it's STILL water. So once you and The One promise to be together forever, then that's just how it will be.
I told her that there were times in my relationship with my husband that I had wept, simply because I was overwhelmed with how much I loved him...Just could not physically contain it, and it came pouring out of my eyes...And I have been with him for 11 years, and the last time I cried from loving him was 2 days ago...Just couldn't keep the love in, and there I was at work, crying and trying to type...
And she and I talked about regretting old relationships that hadn't worked, and how once you found The One, you often find yourself valuing all those old relationships you messed up, because they taught you how NOT to do it...
And it's not all sunshine and roses...But it's not work all the time either. You just decide to stay together and then that's just it. Like your own personal commandment.
So, she is overwhelmed by love tonight, and I told her that, if she was weeping from joy later, that I would keep my phone on. She's got some interesting choices to make in the near future, but mostly it's just geography...And no great love story ever got off the ground when the lovers lived far apart and no one wanted to move. I mean, what if Juliet had just been okay with Romeo being banished? What kind of BS is that?
So, she has found it, found him, The One. And it's really making her understand how much it means, and how much she wants it.
I would stop time and tide for my husband if I could. And if I couldn't, I would sure as shit find a way...
So my friend and I have been talking about this a lot lately...I am sort of loving vicariously, simply getting energy off of seeing someone have this sort of thing happening to them...And i told her that it can feel very weird, because all of a sudden, even in 13 days, your life can change forever.
And it can be very hard to explain this to people who have never had it...They tend to look at you like you're drunk, or insane. And you keep saying things like, "Isn't it weird that we both like whatever is is that you both like?" and they can't get it....I told my friend it was almost like trying to explain Mozart to a deaf person...That, in no way, can you fully explain it...They have to be 5th row center at the New York Philharmonic of Love to fully comprehend the power and the nuance and complexity of it...
But when it comes down to it, it's all very simple. When it's real, and you will know it's real, it will hit you like a ton of bricks...And you will put away all the doubt about whether it will work, and start thinking about how it will work...I told her that real love is like making water out of hydrogen and oxygen...That once they are put together, that's it, it's water....And a lot of crazy shit can happen to water: rapids, freezing, pollution, whatever. But after all is said and done, it's STILL water. So once you and The One promise to be together forever, then that's just how it will be.
I told her that there were times in my relationship with my husband that I had wept, simply because I was overwhelmed with how much I loved him...Just could not physically contain it, and it came pouring out of my eyes...And I have been with him for 11 years, and the last time I cried from loving him was 2 days ago...Just couldn't keep the love in, and there I was at work, crying and trying to type...
And she and I talked about regretting old relationships that hadn't worked, and how once you found The One, you often find yourself valuing all those old relationships you messed up, because they taught you how NOT to do it...
And it's not all sunshine and roses...But it's not work all the time either. You just decide to stay together and then that's just it. Like your own personal commandment.
So, she is overwhelmed by love tonight, and I told her that, if she was weeping from joy later, that I would keep my phone on. She's got some interesting choices to make in the near future, but mostly it's just geography...And no great love story ever got off the ground when the lovers lived far apart and no one wanted to move. I mean, what if Juliet had just been okay with Romeo being banished? What kind of BS is that?
So, she has found it, found him, The One. And it's really making her understand how much it means, and how much she wants it.
I would stop time and tide for my husband if I could. And if I couldn't, I would sure as shit find a way...
Thursday, October 16, 2008
A Method to Their Madness...
We played a movie trivia game at work today - a chance for us to get together for 15-20 minutes to have some fun...And afterwards, i was talking with a friend about what movie quotes were in the game, and she mentioned that if there had been any quotes from Mary Poppins that she would have known them right away...And I love that movie....I love it when Katie Nana, the kids' first nanny, stands at the front door and says, "I've had my say, and that's all I'll say. I'm done with this house forever." And Mrs. Banks knows that there's no keeping here there...
And it made me think about women in movies who i see as powerful. Katie Nana is in control of her destiny. It wasn't going how she wanted. She decided to go. She went. End of story. And i realized that decisiveness in women in the movies is something i admire, no matter the method.
Take Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. She is rich, spoiled, a brat...All that entitlement. She treats people terribly, and in the end, gets what she deserves. Mostly, people think she is awful. I, however, see her as fiercely determined, goal oriented, and unwilling to let anyone stand in her way. And i can admire that on many levels. I can appreciate so much that Veruca Salt will never, ever, take no for an answer. I bet she climbed out of that garbage chute, started some rival candy company, and made Wonka regret that he had told her no. And if she didn't do that, I am sure that her soul cankered at the thought of him telling her no. Just cankered and festered.
And then let's look at my favorite Disney heroine of all time - Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty. Now, that woman is driven. She didn't get invited to Princess Aurora's christening (by accident, they claimed), but she is gracious enough to come anyway, in a party-crashy sort of way, and bestows the gift of death on a baby. Not a woman to be trifled with, you see...(And she was the first Disney character to say 'hell' in a movie i think....) And then, when the death spell is changed to just sleeping, she spends 16 years looking for Aurora to make sure she will prick her finger on the spindle. And then, she finds Prince Phillip (Aurora's true love and betrothed), and chains him up in the dungeon. And she has minions, and that's awesome. And when he escapes, she turns into a dragon, and tries like hell to kill him before meeting her fiery end.
But damn...16 years of determination. She's dedicated, and absolutely committed to her own success, you know? In a very Machiavellian way of course. So, do the ends justify the means? How much did Veruca and Maleficent want to succeed? How much were they willing to do?
How much ambition is too much? How much are you willing to do to get what you want? How can you approach a 16 year evil mission, when making through an 8 hour day leaves you bored, empty, soulless in the cube world?
How much do you want what you want?
And it made me think about women in movies who i see as powerful. Katie Nana is in control of her destiny. It wasn't going how she wanted. She decided to go. She went. End of story. And i realized that decisiveness in women in the movies is something i admire, no matter the method.
Take Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. She is rich, spoiled, a brat...All that entitlement. She treats people terribly, and in the end, gets what she deserves. Mostly, people think she is awful. I, however, see her as fiercely determined, goal oriented, and unwilling to let anyone stand in her way. And i can admire that on many levels. I can appreciate so much that Veruca Salt will never, ever, take no for an answer. I bet she climbed out of that garbage chute, started some rival candy company, and made Wonka regret that he had told her no. And if she didn't do that, I am sure that her soul cankered at the thought of him telling her no. Just cankered and festered.
And then let's look at my favorite Disney heroine of all time - Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty. Now, that woman is driven. She didn't get invited to Princess Aurora's christening (by accident, they claimed), but she is gracious enough to come anyway, in a party-crashy sort of way, and bestows the gift of death on a baby. Not a woman to be trifled with, you see...(And she was the first Disney character to say 'hell' in a movie i think....) And then, when the death spell is changed to just sleeping, she spends 16 years looking for Aurora to make sure she will prick her finger on the spindle. And then, she finds Prince Phillip (Aurora's true love and betrothed), and chains him up in the dungeon. And she has minions, and that's awesome. And when he escapes, she turns into a dragon, and tries like hell to kill him before meeting her fiery end.
But damn...16 years of determination. She's dedicated, and absolutely committed to her own success, you know? In a very Machiavellian way of course. So, do the ends justify the means? How much did Veruca and Maleficent want to succeed? How much were they willing to do?
How much ambition is too much? How much are you willing to do to get what you want? How can you approach a 16 year evil mission, when making through an 8 hour day leaves you bored, empty, soulless in the cube world?
How much do you want what you want?
Joie de Vivre
Okay, so that's joy of life in French, right? So that's what I'm going for these days. I am contemplating a weekend of chilled out, thrift-store shopping, and i am thinking of getting a vintage suitcase for travel purposes. You know, a hard-sided one, with actual latches, not zippers. Cute pockets inside, and maybe a matching train case.
I am so into the vintage thing right now, more than I ever have been, but i think it can be difficult to find a balance between vintage (WWII era) womanhood, and now. I wrote before about the whole barefoot, pregnant, kitchen scenario, and how much i love that idea. Because it works for me, and because i choose it...But believe this, if anyone said i had to STAY in that philosophical kitchen, and didn't have the chance to get out of it, I would be as cranky as a cat in a burning paper bag.
And I think that can be a hard thing for people to deal with, that I am okay with being just about anything, as long as i don't feel pushed into something....And that means it may take me longer to come around to certain ideologies than people in my life may like, but if I'm feeling pushed in any given direction, the best bet is that i will go the exact opposite way. Just some thoughts...
But, back to the joy of life. I am headed to a used bookstore tonight after work, and am gong to buy a book. Have no idea what book, but since i have read EVERY SINGLE BOOK in my house at least three times, i need something new. I am thinking of a book on palm reading or learning more about tarot because i think that would be fun. So that could be cool...
And I found out today that someone I know has a tattoo that she thinks says 'joy of life' in French. But it says Joie de vie, and i took Spanish in high school (and from a friend of my dad's, so i wasn't really paying attention too much), so i don't know if that's right. So for the rest of my life, because of my insane memory, i will think of this girl's foot tattoo and wonder about it. EVERY DAMN TIME i hear the phrase joie de vivre. Every damn time.
And i don't know how to turn that part off, of wanting to be right all the time. Has anyone figured that out? Because right now, that's what i want. But how much do i want it? How much?
P.S. No cranky cats were harmed in the writing of this blog.
I am so into the vintage thing right now, more than I ever have been, but i think it can be difficult to find a balance between vintage (WWII era) womanhood, and now. I wrote before about the whole barefoot, pregnant, kitchen scenario, and how much i love that idea. Because it works for me, and because i choose it...But believe this, if anyone said i had to STAY in that philosophical kitchen, and didn't have the chance to get out of it, I would be as cranky as a cat in a burning paper bag.
And I think that can be a hard thing for people to deal with, that I am okay with being just about anything, as long as i don't feel pushed into something....And that means it may take me longer to come around to certain ideologies than people in my life may like, but if I'm feeling pushed in any given direction, the best bet is that i will go the exact opposite way. Just some thoughts...
But, back to the joy of life. I am headed to a used bookstore tonight after work, and am gong to buy a book. Have no idea what book, but since i have read EVERY SINGLE BOOK in my house at least three times, i need something new. I am thinking of a book on palm reading or learning more about tarot because i think that would be fun. So that could be cool...
And I found out today that someone I know has a tattoo that she thinks says 'joy of life' in French. But it says Joie de vie, and i took Spanish in high school (and from a friend of my dad's, so i wasn't really paying attention too much), so i don't know if that's right. So for the rest of my life, because of my insane memory, i will think of this girl's foot tattoo and wonder about it. EVERY DAMN TIME i hear the phrase joie de vivre. Every damn time.
And i don't know how to turn that part off, of wanting to be right all the time. Has anyone figured that out? Because right now, that's what i want. But how much do i want it? How much?
P.S. No cranky cats were harmed in the writing of this blog.
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