What I know (or don't know) so far...

I don't know what this will turn out to be, but there's one thing I know for sure...I am SICK of reading books about adventurous women. I love these books, usually, like Under the Tuscan Sun and Eat, Pray, Love, but I realized that I was living vicariously through women older than I am.

How backwards is that? That I am admiring the middle-aged journeys of these women, fascinating stories for sure, and noble journeys, exciting and full of self-discovery, but why am I not DOING this instead of reading about it?

I don't think I have ever felt very focused. At least internally, and lately. I focus on getting to work on time, getting paid, getting home, getting to bed. But i don't think i focus on the more luxurious verb that is 'having' - having fun, having a blast, having drinks, having sex, having a life...

I am married, have been for 10 years, waited my whole life to be married, but have a very vintage notion of what married is...I love the possession of it, love the whole 'barefoot, pregnant, in the kitchen' thing, much to the chagrin of my more feminist friends. I love the whole PTA-neghborhood-women for tea idea, but i would much rather have drinks and flirt with the husbands than hang out with the wives, and I can't imagine that i am the only woman who feels like this. I am a good wife. I could be better sometimes.

I have 2 kids, and they are fantastic. But i feel like the strict one, the one that enforces rules and homework and bedtime and all that. I think that, as adults, I don't want them to focus on that part of me, the governing part. I would love for them to remember the chocolate frosting fight in the kitchen, leaving us all very messy, or the Halloween parties, or the road trips. I am a good mother, but I could be better sometimes.

But i have not been focused on myself at all, and what i need to do to make me feel awesome. I love theater, and i am a good actress. I have been in many plays and have been nominated for awards. But the thing for me about theater is that it's the only thing I have no doubt that i am good at. I am a good actress. Period.

And I like that it's not always easy, and that I get to be different people, and that I get to do things that I (personally) would never do. Say things I don't have the guts to say, be unscrupulous, have scruples, whatever.

So that's the thing for me, that I have no doubt about. And that's outside of husband, kids, family, friends...It's only about what i can do, and I don't have a lot of things that are like that. So I am trying to figure out how to make theater more of my life every day. Talking about it, reading plays, working on things, looking for shows to do. And I like directing, but only if people have their shit together enough so that i don't have to be a raging bitch to put up a show. Ah, if only that were the case. I don't think I am very good at motivating without threatening. And I don't like yelling that much. It can get ugly.

So the name of the blog is 'How Much?' and that's always the question at the end. I want to do theater more. How much do i want it? Enough to drag my kids into drafty theaters and keep them up past their bedtime? Enough to spend time away from the man at night? Enough to make myself feel good, and how much is that? How much do i want it?

I was talking on the phone last week to an old friend and he asked me if my life had turned out how i wanted, and I said yes, because mostly it has. Husband, love, kids, love. All that. But it made me think about what i wanted for me, in my life as myself, not as anyone's wife or mom or daughter or friend.

And I will try to stay positive here, and thoughtful, but cannot guarantee that level of consistency. Tonight, all is well.

So what do you want, and how much do you want it? Stay positive if possible. Say what you want and how much you want it. Keep saying. Make it a mantra. Keep saying it.

All you have to do when you get derailed is keep asking 'how much'?