A Method to Their Madness...

We played a movie trivia game at work today - a chance for us to get together for 15-20 minutes to have some fun...And afterwards, i was talking with a friend about what movie quotes were in the game, and she mentioned that if there had been any quotes from Mary Poppins that she would have known them right away...And I love that movie....I love it when Katie Nana, the kids' first nanny, stands at the front door and says, "I've had my say, and that's all I'll say. I'm done with this house forever." And Mrs. Banks knows that there's no keeping here there...

And it made me think about women in movies who i see as powerful. Katie Nana is in control of her destiny. It wasn't going how she wanted. She decided to go. She went. End of story. And i realized that decisiveness in women in the movies is something i admire, no matter the method.

Take Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. She is rich, spoiled, a brat...All that entitlement. She treats people terribly, and in the end, gets what she deserves. Mostly, people think she is awful. I, however, see her as fiercely determined, goal oriented, and unwilling to let anyone stand in her way. And i can admire that on many levels. I can appreciate so much that Veruca Salt will never, ever, take no for an answer. I bet she climbed out of that garbage chute, started some rival candy company, and made Wonka regret that he had told her no. And if she didn't do that, I am sure that her soul cankered at the thought of him telling her no. Just cankered and festered.

And then let's look at my favorite Disney heroine of all time - Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty. Now, that woman is driven. She didn't get invited to Princess Aurora's christening (by accident, they claimed), but she is gracious enough to come anyway, in a party-crashy sort of way, and bestows the gift of death on a baby. Not a woman to be trifled with, you see...(And she was the first Disney character to say 'hell' in a movie i think....) And then, when the death spell is changed to just sleeping, she spends 16 years looking for Aurora to make sure she will prick her finger on the spindle. And then, she finds Prince Phillip (Aurora's true love and betrothed), and chains him up in the dungeon. And she has minions, and that's awesome. And when he escapes, she turns into a dragon, and tries like hell to kill him before meeting her fiery end.

But damn...16 years of determination. She's dedicated, and absolutely committed to her own success, you know? In a very Machiavellian way of course. So, do the ends justify the means? How much did Veruca and Maleficent want to succeed? How much were they willing to do?

How much ambition is too much? How much are you willing to do to get what you want? How can you approach a 16 year evil mission, when making through an 8 hour day leaves you bored, empty, soulless in the cube world?

How much do you want what you want?

Joie de Vivre

Okay, so that's joy of life in French, right? So that's what I'm going for these days. I am contemplating a weekend of chilled out, thrift-store shopping, and i am thinking of getting a vintage suitcase for travel purposes. You know, a hard-sided one, with actual latches, not zippers. Cute pockets inside, and maybe a matching train case.

I am so into the vintage thing right now, more than I ever have been, but i think it can be difficult to find a balance between vintage (WWII era) womanhood, and now. I wrote before about the whole barefoot, pregnant, kitchen scenario, and how much i love that idea. Because it works for me, and because i choose it...But believe this, if anyone said i had to STAY in that philosophical kitchen, and didn't have the chance to get out of it, I would be as cranky as a cat in a burning paper bag.

And I think that can be a hard thing for people to deal with, that I am okay with being just about anything, as long as i don't feel pushed into something....And that means it may take me longer to come around to certain ideologies than people in my life may like, but if I'm feeling pushed in any given direction, the best bet is that i will go the exact opposite way. Just some thoughts...

But, back to the joy of life. I am headed to a used bookstore tonight after work, and am gong to buy a book. Have no idea what book, but since i have read EVERY SINGLE BOOK in my house at least three times, i need something new. I am thinking of a book on palm reading or learning more about tarot because i think that would be fun. So that could be cool...


And I found out today that someone I know has a tattoo that she thinks says 'joy of life' in French. But it says Joie de vie, and i took Spanish in high school (and from a friend of my dad's, so i wasn't really paying attention too much), so i don't know if that's right. So for the rest of my life, because of my insane memory, i will think of this girl's foot tattoo and wonder about it. EVERY DAMN TIME i hear the phrase joie de vivre. Every damn time.

And i don't know how to turn that part off, of wanting to be right all the time. Has anyone figured that out? Because right now, that's what i want. But how much do i want it? How much?


P.S. No cranky cats were harmed in the writing of this blog.

What I know (or don't know) so far...

I don't know what this will turn out to be, but there's one thing I know for sure...I am SICK of reading books about adventurous women. I love these books, usually, like Under the Tuscan Sun and Eat, Pray, Love, but I realized that I was living vicariously through women older than I am.

How backwards is that? That I am admiring the middle-aged journeys of these women, fascinating stories for sure, and noble journeys, exciting and full of self-discovery, but why am I not DOING this instead of reading about it?

I don't think I have ever felt very focused. At least internally, and lately. I focus on getting to work on time, getting paid, getting home, getting to bed. But i don't think i focus on the more luxurious verb that is 'having' - having fun, having a blast, having drinks, having sex, having a life...

I am married, have been for 10 years, waited my whole life to be married, but have a very vintage notion of what married is...I love the possession of it, love the whole 'barefoot, pregnant, in the kitchen' thing, much to the chagrin of my more feminist friends. I love the whole PTA-neghborhood-women for tea idea, but i would much rather have drinks and flirt with the husbands than hang out with the wives, and I can't imagine that i am the only woman who feels like this. I am a good wife. I could be better sometimes.

I have 2 kids, and they are fantastic. But i feel like the strict one, the one that enforces rules and homework and bedtime and all that. I think that, as adults, I don't want them to focus on that part of me, the governing part. I would love for them to remember the chocolate frosting fight in the kitchen, leaving us all very messy, or the Halloween parties, or the road trips. I am a good mother, but I could be better sometimes.

But i have not been focused on myself at all, and what i need to do to make me feel awesome. I love theater, and i am a good actress. I have been in many plays and have been nominated for awards. But the thing for me about theater is that it's the only thing I have no doubt that i am good at. I am a good actress. Period.

And I like that it's not always easy, and that I get to be different people, and that I get to do things that I (personally) would never do. Say things I don't have the guts to say, be unscrupulous, have scruples, whatever.

So that's the thing for me, that I have no doubt about. And that's outside of husband, kids, family, friends...It's only about what i can do, and I don't have a lot of things that are like that. So I am trying to figure out how to make theater more of my life every day. Talking about it, reading plays, working on things, looking for shows to do. And I like directing, but only if people have their shit together enough so that i don't have to be a raging bitch to put up a show. Ah, if only that were the case. I don't think I am very good at motivating without threatening. And I don't like yelling that much. It can get ugly.

So the name of the blog is 'How Much?' and that's always the question at the end. I want to do theater more. How much do i want it? Enough to drag my kids into drafty theaters and keep them up past their bedtime? Enough to spend time away from the man at night? Enough to make myself feel good, and how much is that? How much do i want it?

I was talking on the phone last week to an old friend and he asked me if my life had turned out how i wanted, and I said yes, because mostly it has. Husband, love, kids, love. All that. But it made me think about what i wanted for me, in my life as myself, not as anyone's wife or mom or daughter or friend.

And I will try to stay positive here, and thoughtful, but cannot guarantee that level of consistency. Tonight, all is well.

So what do you want, and how much do you want it? Stay positive if possible. Say what you want and how much you want it. Keep saying. Make it a mantra. Keep saying it.

All you have to do when you get derailed is keep asking 'how much'?